Untitled.

I come home. I feel like something isn't right...but I'm not sure what.
I go upstairs into a big empty room so that I can relax and be alone...there are lights on, I am not alone. I become fixated on this fact, and cannot relax. I start feeling like I'm going to cry and cannot figure out why, so I try to listen to songs that will hopefully make me just at least shed a tear or two, to get it over with. Nothing is working for me, so I go onto the balcony to smoke my last cigarette...shit. I need to buy more...I don't have the energy or the heart.

I am missing one contact lens. I am half-blind. My other one is deteriorating. I left my replacements in South Dakota. I try to re-order them, but the line is always busy when I call. Fuck.

Rene is coming soon. I am facing big choices right now. I need to talk to him...I message him on Myspace, trying to figure out how to make this all work. I want for him to have a good time. I want for him to see everyone...but I can't go back. I don't want to, and I just can't. I want to offer to pick him up in Chicago...it's five hours away. We could road trip then, but not to CA. He told me that he wants me to pick him up at the airport. He requested it. Fuck. I need to figure this out NOW. He comes in ten days.

I'm not connecting with my artwork. I feel distracted. WHY?! I think that I am focusing too much on the why. I need to just let things go through. I know what this means. I just need to do it...but I can't force it...but I don't feel it.

I don't talk to Joel. I leave without saying anything. I enter without saying anything. When he asks me a question, I completely dodge it. I don't share anything. I want to be more open...I feel like I should be interacting or sharing with a roommate. Is this any different from my past behavior? I have to say that no, it is not. ...because it isn't. This is typical, so very typical. Ugh. Make it stop.

My phone is shutting off tomorrow. I need to get a new one. I am relieved, because people won't have my number. I am very relieved that people won't be able to call me. Now I completely control with whom I communicate. This makes me happy. I feel such animosity towards people. I don't want them to know anything. I don't want to tell them anything...I just want to go upstairs in that giant empty room and draw and be alone...

I have a lot on my mind...a lot on my mind. Why? There's nothing wrong. I should stop asking why for everything. I think I need another cigarette.