A reflection

I recently watched the Lion King.  No, this is not a confession, or a dark secret.  I would watch it anytime, with just about anyone.  Simba is the shit.  ..actually, Rafiki is.  Simba is kind of emo...I digress.

At one point in the Lion King, Simba is faced with his past and he must make a decision.  He must decide whether to keep living his carefree life or whether he will essentially "man up", if you will, and deal with his past in order to become the best, umm..."person" (lion) he can be.  ..also, he has to be a king because Scar sucks balls at doing it, and I'm fairly certain that he is gay. ...not that that matters...but he is.

My point is that I am going to compare myself to the Lion King.  ...in case you hadn't figured that out.  Also, (after this, I will get back to my point...) I feel as though my writing style is similar to every sermon that I've ever heard.  ...which is a LOT.  ...so I may have to work on that.  ...but at least I don't talk about Jesus.  Or Krishna.  ...although I'm not sure if Hindus have sermons...

I have been realizing that there are a lot of silly things and habits that I have.  I have realized that there are a lot of things that I need to get over...which I'm sure I've talked about before, but I am addressing it once more.  I feel like a stereotypical Jew (yeah, I said it) with all of the negations I experience in my daily life.  I can't do *this* because I'm afraid or I won't try *that* because it's...well, whatever it is, it's ME.  I officially have some goals that I'm going to work on...or just do at some point.

 I am going to get over my fear of water.  I have been trying desperately to figure out why I'm afraid to begin with, but I have no clue.  That's really the biggest one.  ...I am going to also attempt to be less socially awkward.  ...I have a self-appointed coach in this department.  ...and I really appreciate it.  More than a man with a mustache and clip board, this person has been supportive and patient with me in a lot of ways.  Also, this person has been very gracious.  So person, I would make a drink for you anytime.  ..and all sorts of other super sappy "thank you" things...in a little sister sort of way.

I would also like to address the fast-approaching holidays.  I mean, the biggest one of all is almost upon us.  Halloween...the celebration of when Martin Luther spawned a new branch of a tree that should have been cut down or burned long before.  ...that one isn't a big deal.  Unless I dress up like someone who cares.  I'm actually referring to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  The big T & C.  ...and black Friday.

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday.  Period.  Family used to be this pinnacle of joy in my life.  I felt like everything about the traditions, the joy, the warmth, everything was just our version of some sort of "Leave it to Beaver" day.  ...and the amount of people who participated slowly dwindled the older I got.  Outside I was all calm about it.  Inside, I wanted to just beg everyone to be there...to make it perfect.  It got to a point where one year, my brother, mother, grandmother and I were the only ones who were going to celebrate...and my grandmother decided that we were going to have some sort of turkey loaf and microwaveable stuffing and some other modern nonsense for this day that I coveted so much.  I'm going to be completely honest...I cried.  This day that had reminded me of perfection was shattered.  And I felt like I was in a dream, trying to piece together shattered glass, and every time I knelt to pick up a piece it cut me (I admit, that sounds very emo, but it's how I felt).  I feel as though I have become more callus since then.  I say that I don't care.  I do.  I care immensely.  And now, I will not be able to participate in this holiday.  I WILL have a Thanksgiving.  Even if I have it by myself.

Oh reader.  I wish you could see what I go through when I write some of these blogs.  Some of them are happy (in fact, I am happy probably more than 90% of the time) but I still have things to go through and work through and to deal with.  ...which is the purpose of this blog.  Sometimes I feel very fragile, and I hide away from everyone in every way...and sometimes (mostly when inebriated) I come out a little bit, but I remain silent with eyes wide for a lot.

Last night I went to a bar...and a boy there was trying to be like, "hey what's up" (this is my slang for...I'm not really sure how to say it in English...we were at a bar and he was trying to say hi? or something?  I'm not a member of the Audobon Society, I don't know these things.).  He kept telling me that he didn't get me, that I'm challenging and that he couldn't read me.  My responses?  I don't want to be had, I'm a challenge because I'm not easy and he can't read me because I'm not a book.  He wasn't a bad person...I mean, he told me that he goes to church, but nobody's perfect.  I did think about relationships today.  ...I thought about how it would might be nice to have a significant other, but there are a lot of people in my life who are significant.  ...and I feel like searching for a significant other or being open to one would be such a laborious, arduous task.  My reason for thinking this?  Well, because I'm probably at least a dash of psychotic. ...but not in a bad way...just in a...how I perceive relationships and how I interact with people to begin with.  ...so more like socially awkward and alien more than psychotic.  Of course, maybe that would make me more normal.  ...Regardless, it's not happening and I'm not searching for it.  If it happens, it happens.  ...but I'll probably freak out the whole time if this ever DOES.  I'm focusing on it too much.

I may visit a friend of mine in New York City over Christmas.  ...he keeps telling me that I should move there...and as nice as NYC might be, A) I don't want to move to a new city and start over so soon...B) I really DO like Cincinnati.  ...if at some point I feel like I have done all that this city has to offer, then I may decide to move again, but shit.  I've been here for two months.  I love Skyline and drive-thru convenience stores (they make me happy for some reason...though I just walk to the one that is close by) and I enjoy being able to drive.  This feeling that I have for *home* right now is new to me.  ...I don't mean to sound ungrateful to any place I've been before.  It feels like...being curled up next to a fire with a mug of hot chocolate (with cream and Kahla).  ...So in short, it feels like contentedness, warmth, and joy.

I imagine that more moments in life are going to feel like this.  I had one of those moments last night as well.  A man who was with our party said that my roommate and I acted like brother and sister.  I wanted to hug everyone at that moment (albeit I had imbibed a few as well...though I was becoming sober at this point).  I had fun.  I may be quiet a lot, and I may be shy about some things, but that doesn't mean that I'm not having fun, that I'm not content, or that I'm not happy.  I'm still working on things internally so I spend a lot of time in thought.  About the past, the present and sometimes about the future.  ...mostly about things I haven't properly sorted through about the past.  And someday I'm going to spew them all over a canvas and people will look and stare and go mad. ...I mean, if everything goes well.  ...no.  Not really.  I think that I have lost my train of thought, and this blog is very long.  I hope that you have enjoyed this opus, dear reader.  I am going to go watch a movie I have never seen (another goal of mine is to get caught up on at least some of popular culture so that I can relate to my peers).

With love,

-meah kai-