Sad today...

I feel somewhat emotional again, and since it's about 2:30 AM, it's time for me to write another blog!!!

I will start with an update of what I've been up to, though I'm not really sure of its relevance. I...don't remember the last time I blogged...I believe I updated my weekend and whatnot...I have another interview, which I thought was scheduled for tomorrow (Tuesday) but I re-read the email, and it's actually on Thursday, so I will have to find something to occupy my time. UUUUGh I wish I could get to the art museum. There really is NO excuse for my not going as of yet. My excuse today was legit though, since I went to the laundromat.

Speaking of the laundromat, I would like to take this (probably going to be very long) paragraph to vent about people. SOOOOO ( I realize that I start a lot of things with that. It's amazing what writing will make you realize about yourself) I am not really sure what the opposite of "Jungle Fever" is, but old, creepy black men seem to have it for me. BAD!!! An old black guy at the laundromat was all over me like flies on shit. No siento como hay muchas personas por aqui quien me hace sentir tan comoda. Quiero que conocer mas personas, pero es tan dificil y no se por que. No hay razon. Me encanta hablar con extranjeros, pero solo por como unos pocos minutos, y despues puedo salir. creo que tengo problemas con compartirme con companeros. But, I digress. Where all the white men at? Not that I'm racist...but I probably am somewhat. Who isn't? If you think you aren't...then get off your fucking high horse, because you're lying to yourself. Actually, I just need a cuddle buddy right now...or even unos abrazos a veces, and I would definitely be a happy girl. Otherwise, my life has been boring since the last time I wrote, I think...because I can't remember anything else that I have done since then otherwise...

I told my roommate about my crazy church camp story tonight. AAaaaaah yes, the good old days of conservative sheep-ism. I've been looking at apartments and houses and all these different living places and I feel so overwhelmed. I mean, it's not really that hard, just find a place I like and move there, right? It's been so much more for me to think about...every time I've ever moved before, I've been able to say "hey, I can move with *this* friend or *that* friend, and it's going to be so much fun!" but moving right now (it isn't and has never been my plan to live with Joel forever...or for very long, for that matter) makes me think about a lot of things...

I think about whether or not I should move in with someone else or if I want my own place...If i move in with someone else, then I'm going to have to meet people, and it hasn't worked out for me so far to live with random people, but that doesn't mean that it can't work. It also makes me feel sad that I don't have those friends already...I'm not used to not having a bunch of friends...or even just a few really awesome friends...I also feel like living by myself would be good. At the same time, I feel that isolation...and I freak out about not having anything. Period. For those of you who are not aware, I have most of my stuff (well, the stuff that I didn't give away) in storage in South Dakota...what did I bring with me? I have my clothing, some books and art supplies. ...I also have videogames and my computer. Those are the things that I would bring with me. ...It's not that I'm worried about not having stuff...it just hits me that...well, every item that I can buy is something that can be replaced, and those things really don't matter, but they are also things that make people... They represent some sort of comfort and security (as they're designed to). I literally do not have any furniture with me...or anything. This makes a roommate sound like a better option...and a not better option. fml. I should have maybe brought a U-Haul and rocked that for a little while until I get a place.

I know that this is a new opportunity. I knew that coming here was going to mean a lot of different things. I don't regret any decisions that I've made so far. Every once in a while, I think about this thing or that thing in the past...I know that I have some regrets, and no matter what question I have for myself, whether it's "what if *this* happened differently?" or "what if I had done *that* instead?" and no matter what the question is, without thinking (shocker!) my brain's response is always the same (perhaps its the religious brainwashing...): I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I know that I whine to a couple of people a lot...I feel bad for not being more open with Joel. I really do. I'm not sure what that all entails...but I feel like I am treating him like I treat everyone else...I keep them at bay with a bow staff... wielded by a ninja...who you would have to get to only by crossing the bridge that crosses a moat of molten "magma." If nothing else, I have had a lot of time to think about a lot of things lately. Anyway, now that THAT daydream has developed itself...I feel like I keep discovering things about myself, and I have had a lot of time to think. Maybe I just need to fill my day with work...or something. God (and Jesus) I hope to find some different job before I have to start at Macy's on Tuesday. That would be greeaaaaaat. And I hope that I can start being a little more emotional. ...not in an emotional way, just maybe more...if I feel excited, I could maybe act excited...or just be legitimately excited, so I can show some emotion.

ciao!

Meah kai

ps - also looking into ways to get my art out there.
pps - I went to a Reds game tonight. They WON in EXTRA INNINGS!!! hahahahaha good fun!
ppps - I want to marry a baseball player or a football player. it's happening. preferably one who is not married and has no children and does not expect me to be a baby machine. or a bj machine. fuckin gross.