I just came back downstairs from enjoying the view from the fire escape.

I smoked a cigarette and realized that my legs are trembly. I am getting excited about the coming of René. ...I can pick him up in Chicago. He arrives there are 6:30 next Saturday.

I have new friends! I friended a person who is in my training class, a boy named Matt. He talks about himself a lot. I talked to some of Joel's friends last night at the show. The show was amazing. If you haven't listened to The Last Troubadour, you should. ...I could go on for a while about them. They are adorable. Their whole band. And the music is HQ.



I am in a very good mood right now. My heart feels happy. I talked to Ron a little bit today. He tells me crazy things. I'm not sure that I want to believe them, but I feel compelled.

I have only one contact lens right now, until I receive the new ones in the mail. When I close my left eye, I notice my nose a lot more. I can't draw with one eye. I don't trust my right eye to be as artistic as my left eye. I worry about Miranda.

I notice that just about every kind of food that Cincinnati residents crave is either covered in chili or chili and cheese. I had fries covered in gravy and cheese last night. They were delicious. Why aren't there more morbidly obese people here? Everyone at work constantly talks about all of the places they eat. All of the foods they enjoy.

I went to the bar across the street a couple of nights ago with Joel. While there, Tom the white supremacist redneck called. He hasn't left me alone since I left. He keeps calling me at random times to ask me when I'm going back to Sioux Falls. I tell him that all he wants to do is fuck. He tells me he wants more than that with me. I let Joel answer the phone. Joel pretends to be a black guy. Tom won't be calling me anymore. ...even though I have no phone. hahahahaha.

My clothing feels looser on me. I am losing weight. I have weight to lose, so I'm not too concerned. I'm not trying to...I just need to feel settled before I can be normal again. I realize that I haven't been singing since I started working. This makes me sad. I am going to go upstairs to sing...and to practice drawing with one eye. ...but I think I should shower first. <3

I lie on a bed that is not mine. I look around and see a life that isn't mine. From the Tijuana Bibles book to the globe on the desk...to the pair of slippers underneath the bed...none of it belongs to me. My search for a place to live continues.

I ate fries with cheese and gravy about an hour ago. I think I want to throw up. I convince my body that I need this food...I haven't eaten since yesterday night. I can still only see with one eye, I need for my contacts to get here.

I messaged Rene. Once I talk to him, I need to figure out what I am doing next weekend. I panic. Am I going to visit Iowa? Am I going to pick him up from the airport in Sioux Falls? Is he going to come back to Cincinnati with me? I impatiently await his response.

I need to get a phone...yesterday. I was imposing tonight. I am detached from what's going on right now. I blame my vision. ...I went to a show tonight. The Last Troubador. They played well. They played very well. They are all adorable. I heard a guitar later...I saw a man play a guitar...when he played it I saw it pulsate and become alive. I imagined the guitar having legs and arms and a ferocity. The guitar then jumped down from the man's hands and into a different world. ...Then I saw the guitar aggressively eating the heads off the little people in the town below. I can't think like this...I went outside and had a cigarette. ...I hear people around me talk in code about selling drugs. Numbers are exchanged. Why are we here? This place is shady. We left.

I want to see again. Tuesday. Wednesday...hopefully before Thursday. Mom messages me on Facebook. The eye doctor called about my contact lenses. Grandma talks to aunt who tells cousin to call me to ask why I moved. Also to let me know about the contact lenses. How have I been gone a month and no one has fucking asked me if they want to know? I don't share anything. I am not sharing anything. People don't know where I am. I don't want them to know. I am here. I am here without them.

Untitled.

I come home. I feel like something isn't right...but I'm not sure what.
I go upstairs into a big empty room so that I can relax and be alone...there are lights on, I am not alone. I become fixated on this fact, and cannot relax. I start feeling like I'm going to cry and cannot figure out why, so I try to listen to songs that will hopefully make me just at least shed a tear or two, to get it over with. Nothing is working for me, so I go onto the balcony to smoke my last cigarette...shit. I need to buy more...I don't have the energy or the heart.

I am missing one contact lens. I am half-blind. My other one is deteriorating. I left my replacements in South Dakota. I try to re-order them, but the line is always busy when I call. Fuck.

Rene is coming soon. I am facing big choices right now. I need to talk to him...I message him on Myspace, trying to figure out how to make this all work. I want for him to have a good time. I want for him to see everyone...but I can't go back. I don't want to, and I just can't. I want to offer to pick him up in Chicago...it's five hours away. We could road trip then, but not to CA. He told me that he wants me to pick him up at the airport. He requested it. Fuck. I need to figure this out NOW. He comes in ten days.

I'm not connecting with my artwork. I feel distracted. WHY?! I think that I am focusing too much on the why. I need to just let things go through. I know what this means. I just need to do it...but I can't force it...but I don't feel it.

I don't talk to Joel. I leave without saying anything. I enter without saying anything. When he asks me a question, I completely dodge it. I don't share anything. I want to be more open...I feel like I should be interacting or sharing with a roommate. Is this any different from my past behavior? I have to say that no, it is not. ...because it isn't. This is typical, so very typical. Ugh. Make it stop.

My phone is shutting off tomorrow. I need to get a new one. I am relieved, because people won't have my number. I am very relieved that people won't be able to call me. Now I completely control with whom I communicate. This makes me happy. I feel such animosity towards people. I don't want them to know anything. I don't want to tell them anything...I just want to go upstairs in that giant empty room and draw and be alone...

I have a lot on my mind...a lot on my mind. Why? There's nothing wrong. I should stop asking why for everything. I think I need another cigarette.

One of These Things Is Not Like the Other!

Differences (cultural and otherwise) between Cincinnati and Sioux Falls:

1) litter. Cincinnati apparently thinks that litter is okay. Is it? I mean, it doesn’t really matter, because it’s either all around us or in a giant pile somewhere that’s NIMBY. Regardless of good or bad, it’s here. It wasn’t there.

2) People. Okay, this is an obvious one. Cincinnati has over one million people (this includes suburbs, etc. The county that Cincinnati is located in, Hamilton County, has over 850,000 people. That’s more people than in all of South Dakota, which has approximately 800,000 . Period.

3) South Dakota has a state soil .

4) There is live music all over the place here, all of the time. I can often hear blues or jazz from where I am right now…and on certain nights of the week, I can hear an alternative rock band . Awesome.

5) There is a stretch of road here that smells like Kahlua. Very delicious.

6) When I cross the border into the next state, I am welcomed by densely populated areas and buildings and venues, not corn or soybean fields.

7) When things on TV say that they’re going to start at 8/7c, they start at 8.

8) All ten thousand million malls are two stories (at least!) tall. Except the ones that aren’t.

9) Diversity.

10) Drive-thru locations mean more than just Rally’s or McDonald’s or White Castle…they mean convenience store drive-thrus. I know that I’ve mentioned them before…but hot damn. I love them. I am truly fascinated.

11) Everyone here talks about the Big Lebowski. Constantly. They must all come out of the womb with that video burned into their retinas. I have now seen said movie. I was resistant at first…but the more I think about the movie, the more I laugh.

12) There are wonderful little bars and pubs everywhere, but all of them are really narrow and you have to either climb down then up fifty stairs or up then down fifty stairs. I LOVE it!!! ☺

13) There are more things, I know. This is all for now, because really, if you’re one place, you probably don’t really care about the other place. …so it doesn’t really matter!

14) Also, even though these places have many differences (including slight variations in accent!) there is one thing that is for certain…the people are all very nice. I haven’t met one mean or terrible person. …at least not yet!