Since my last post was kind of emo...

I am resolving to be more positive.

I feel as though my actions lately have been odd, or somewhat out of character for me. I felt like some forboding cloud of ash loomed on my horizon, but I realize that this is not the case. I know that I have been somewhat evasive the past week or so, but I don't mean anything by it, other than that I am being introspective.

I talked to a girl at work on Tuesday or so and she recently moved to the area as well. She told me that if I find a place where there are friends, to let her know because she is looking for some. I thought that was odd. And I realized that I am sort of doing the same thing, just waiting for people to just appear in my life. What nonsense! I didn't do it on purpose, but now that I realize it, I'm plotting and scheming ways to make sure that I am conscious of getting out and doing things.

I sometimes feel like a cat who has wandered onto a doorstep. I sometimes feel like a mother or a maid, and realize that I am neither of those. I sometimes feel like I am being paranoid, but I know that these thoughts are silly.

I do feel an awkward bubble between entities in my life. It feels like a lava lamp, warm but not all bubbly... Whatever that means. I know that no matter what happens, everything will work itself out. And I know that I need to go out more... To interact and make new memories instead of re-processing old ones. If I handle those old ones too much, they will disintegrate and tarnish and become less special.

Hopefully the next time that I write you, dear reader, I will continue to be hopeful and perhaps I will have had a new adventure or met a new face. And I hope that you do, too...

It's a feeling like lying on a bed on a bed of nails

I am trying to process how i feel right now. It's sort of like excitement and happiness tainted with some sort of negative something lurking right around the corner waiting for a chance to pounce. The past week or so has been somewhat difficult. So... I will describe this moment for me and the torrent of emotions coming through.

The light is somewhat dim in this empty room. It is void of emotions, feeling, or a word of advice. I can see all of the shadows caused by inanimate objects and by me. I can't help but to notice that there are layers of this shadow...instead of just shadows for me, there are shadows for every tidbit, every THING that I feel. I wish I knew some synonyms for feeling and emotion, since my using of those words seems so simple compared to what they imply and describe.

I am at once lost again. Inside myself I look at my life, just like a gallery. I am removed from them and just stare. Can I complete the pictures or have more of a connection with these things? I am hiding here with my mouth shut. I keep it closed for fear of what might come out. Some sort of terrible manifestation for what I am thinking. It may be both condemning and it will cast a spell on what is here. So for now I remain silent and anonymous in my dealings.

I feel forgotten in all of this. Promises of conversations and moments lost leave my heart sad and my mind worried. I am thankful that when the sun rises I will have something new to try to devote my focus, instead of focusing on this nonsense. All of it. Ugh. This is what makes people emo, and I don't want to be this way. I want to do so much more and to be able to dote on different things. I remember. I have been here for less than two months.

This week has brought many things to me. I had to say goodbye to people. I had to say goodbye to someone who means the world to me. I've waited in Nticipation for whether or not other people will remain irrational in their dealings with me. I have yet to meet someone I hear about constantly. I need to focus on my tasks and to devote my feelings elsewhere. I need to be in control of them. I wish I could just cry. That's probably not conducive to maintaining control of feelings. Perhaps understanding them is a far more attainable, rational goal.