As many of my friends know, I'm fairly certain that I have some mild form of OCD, or obsessive compulsive disorder. I sometimes count stairs when I go up (or down) them...I have to step into the next square of the sidewalk with a certain foot, when I dry my hands, the space between my fingers has to be perfectly dry before I stop...and so on. ...I know that I acted like that to a certain extent when I was a little kid, but I kind of grew out of it...and I know that it becomes worse at some periods in my life for, as far as I can surmise, with no apparent instigators or triggers.
A lot of people are getting married, because that's what young people do...they grow up, they fall in love, they get married, and have children (or dogs, depending on preference and availability) and the cycle starts again. Although my opinions and perceptions of marriage and love are tainted and skewed, I still have respect for people who decide that they want to spend an entire lifetime with a person...whether or not the relationship lasts, the fact that people can want to be connected to each other for that long boggles me and leaves me in awe.
I'm not saying that I don't think that it can happen, and I'm trying to let myself soften somewhat, instead of being so cynical about love and whatnot. I think that someday, if it ever happens, I'm going to have to be tricked into it, and placed under a spell...like magic. and Macy's (Macy's is all about magic, for those of you who don't know...it's kind of their deal).
My reason for writing this blog really isn't to update things, though I may at the end. It's to express some things that are occasionally on my mind. Things that I feel like I'm being bold in expressing, because I don't tell people these things...so this is me putting my heart on my sleeve and sharing this with the world...or at least my world...
I really feel like I've been robbed of a lot of things. ...not tangible things, but things that are a big part of things that most people get to experience...the "most people" being people who I grew up with and this is also in conjunction with a way of life that is perceived as "normal" to what I know. ...Now that I have clarified, I feel as though I can move further.
I will never be able to get married and have a normal wedding. I know that weddings everywhere are different and everyone is special and blah blah blah...but really? When you think of a wedding, what do you think of? I think of the fact that I would have to plan everything by myself, I feel estranged from my family, I will never get to experience things like having someone walk me down the aisle...and I'm not sad about not getting married, because I think it's a sham...but I think about the things that this experience really encompasses...
It breaks my heart that I feel like I don't have family. ...I mean, I do...when I went to college, I used to get so angry at people who talked to their parents every day...and I realized that I was jealous of them. I know that THAT is not a one-sided venture...I feel like my mother and I are like the day chasing the night...I feel a lot of animosity and resentment...but for what? I feel like I have to walk by myself all of the time, and be independent...I feel like I've put up such walls (as cliché as it sounds)...
I'm sad that I will never wear matching sweaters with my family. I'm sad that my brother will never call me up to go bowling or just to see how I'm doing. I'm frustrated that I always feel like an outsider in my family. I'm sad that if I ever fuck up and have children, they will not have a grandfather. I'm sad that when people ask me where I'm from, I don't have an answer, because no place is home. I feel guilty because my brother blames me for everything bad that has ever happened to us. I'm sad that the memories that I have with some people will stay in the past, because we will never have an opportunity to make new ones...and I am sad that I am not telling this TO someone...instead of to everyone in the most impersonal way possible.
I'm not mad at anybody. I don't blame anybody for anything. ...except I blame Tyler for ripping my coat when we were in like fifth grade...because he did. I was there. I don't try to dwell on the past...it just comes up sometimes...and I have many, many good memories with people...and better than hope and faith, I have a feeling (isn't that just EXACTLY what hope and faith are...without the religion?) and an understanding that regardless of what happens now, everything is going to be alright. ...and in my reckless, nomadic youth...with my un-wisdoms and my learnings, I can say without a doubt...that I am where I should be. I must keep moving forward and upward. Not to Jesus...just to someplace pretty with a nice view of home.
