I feel as though the title of this blog is appropriate. I have been listening to the Gorillaz lately. I had somehow forgotten how much I love them. ...and I *do* love them.
Ummm...I'm not sure how to deal with this blog. I have been drinking. I've never written a blog under the influence of alcohol, so please forgive me if I make some grammatical errors, or sound a little silly.
I got a few messages from some friends of mine today. Instead of feeling any sort of longing or missing any of them more than usual, I was just happy to hear from them. It was as simple as happiness. One of the messages bothered me a little bit though. I feel as though when you have a connection with specific people their words can shake your being more than the most thoughtful words of other people. I would also like to clarify that it's not necessarily romantic, it's just like platonic soul mate kind of stuff.
I hate how people in small towns talk. I hate how everyone knows and shares everything with everyone else. I suppose that part of the reason that people live in them is that they *can* have the ability to do that, and I'm just saying that it's not something I enjoy or appreciate or like. I hate it. HATE. It. I will share whatever with whomever I choose, and everything else no one needs to know. Right or wrong, it's how I feel. It's one of the reasons that I left. It was like not being able to choose with whom I was intimate or open. ...It was forced openness and it made me feel like I had no control over life.
I'm experiencing things like normal now. This whole normalcy is quite foreign to me and I'm beginning to grasp it in its entirety and it fills me with joy and excitement in anticipation for what is to come. Not that I'm expecting anything like fireworks or monumental in any way. ...I simply am excited to be part of something. ...to be *part* of something. This was my choice, and it was a good choice for me. I feel as though some other parts of my life were toxic and now that I'm getting through their toxicity, I can see their poison slowly run out of my pours and run down the drain, where they will go be cleansed from the earth. ...and they are gone from me forever. I feel focused on what I'm doing and I feel as though I'm integrating some very positive things into my life.
No, I'm not becoming an alcoholic. I'm finally enjoying adulthood. I'm enjoying being able to do FUN things whenever I would like to. I'm enjoying being regular. I don't think that I will ever blend in with a crowd. I feel as though I will always stand out, but now I'm okay with it. I'm enjoying that I have such positive people, in so many ways. I have a positive work environment. ...at this point, I don't hate anyone there, which is a refreshing experience.
Also! I am starting painting lessons on Saturday. I think that my art has reached a point where I'm becoming bored, and I was truly frightened by that thought for a while. I mean, I still would like to do art in the style that I do, but I would like for it to be more precise and possibly more horrifying, but I need something. It was missing something. So, in order to further my life, I'm taking lessons. I start Saturday at noon.
I would like to take this moment to divulge a little morsel as well. This whole blog...in its entirety...is (at least I don't think it is...) is not informing people in my daily life of things for the first time. This blog isn't being used as a tool to express things that I cannot say out loud. It is merely expressing and explaining my life to everyone who isn't in it on a normal basis, which is what it was intended for. Instead of having to tell everyone all at once, I'm able to have conversations and to be less awkward (actually, I can't back that up...) and far more silly. I don't ever want to be not silly. I want to continue to be the person who talks to strangers at a baseball game or in a store. Everyone has a story and a lesson to teach. Everyone has experiences. I'm just happy that I don't feel so alone, and I'm so gosh darn happy that I'm happy. ...I'm also happy that I discovered Kahlua and hot chocolate. Favorite. drink. ever...for now, anyway.
Dear reader, I know that you have been through a lot with me. I'm still trying to decide what to do for my holiday season. I'm trying to decide how to make my Thanksgiving and Christmas happen. ...but I must decide what I want to happen. ...so we will see. And I will keep you informed. As for now, I must go to bed, because I work in the morning. ...or, rather, later in the morning. ...Goodnight dear reader. I hope that you have dreams that take you to far off places so you can see more than just the world around you.
