I've been thinking some more about the ZA. I would definitely like to run a car into a building...Life would probably be a lot happier if I just won the lottery, which would financially enable me to fulfill all of these crazy desires. I would probably build an amazing underground bunker, similar to the one on that terrible Brendan Fraser movie where he lives underground for years. No, I don't remember what it's called either.
I recently went to a show (The Last Troubadour!!!) and it happened to be at a nun-run high. It happened to be a benefit...towards the fight against AIDS, or SIDA, depending on where you're from. At this concert, which was run by nuns and high school students, I went to go make my little donation/pay to get in to the event. I was informed upon handing over money that I was required to fill out a form. I inquired as to the nature of the form...it was a consent form. This form was my undying pledge to refrain from drinking, smoking, drugs, or...hitting on anyone while at this event. While waiting for the best band that night to go on, I went to a bar and had a few...cigarettes and drinks. ...and french fries. The form said nothing of gluttony, though it's one of the seven deadly sins. ...or something like that.
I am soo cold right now. I'm not really sure why. When I go outside, for the most part, I'm fine. Upon returning to the comfort of the climate-controlled indoors, I become chilled. Maybe I feel a resounding emptiness that cannot be swept away by the crisp wind of winter. It doesn't always bother me. ...just sometimes. I need a puppy. ...then I can just cuddle with it. BUT. ...I don't really want a poop machine. If I found a manboy, then at least he would shit in a toilet. Not that they're really comparable. I'm taking this moment to disclose that I am not comparing men to dogs. ...other than the fact that they both make great cuddle buddies.
I feel like right now there's some sort of internal struggle going on. I'm not really sure what it's about or why it's happening. Does it have to do with Christmas? Does it have to do with this chill? I know that I haven't done any drawing or reading or studying for a while. I know that THAT bothers me...though I'm not really sure if that's why I struggle. None of those things have any calamitous repercussive consequences, so I feel fairly confident in excluding them as actual reasons for feeling like this.
I feel like I've got the San Andreas in me...I feel like the more things that happen, the more apparent it is and the shakier things get...I blame the holiday season. I feel like I always get this way. ...but it's somehow different. Also, this has nothing to do with not going to Iowa for Christmas. I have no desire to go back...as far as I can surmise, I don't know if I'll ever go back. I'm not necessarily saying that I don't wish to see anyone from there ever again, I just...why?
I'm also not sure why I pour this all out to you, reader. Sometimes I feel kind of like Helen Keller, except the whole seeing and talking and hearing thing. I *do* have the ability to do those things. I wish I were better at just opening up to people. I don't try to be challenging. If I stay closed forever, I'm going to miss those moments...of soft sincerity and innocent boldness...I imagine those moments are like playing freeze tag or hide and seek. ...I want them. They're just so confusing to me. I also spend way too much time analyzing all of this information. I should go to bed and listen to more soothsayers in my sleep.
