I am a little buzzed right now. I wish that I could just write this and have no one understand. I wish that I knew enough Russian or Spanish to just write using that language...to dissuade people from reading. If I did that, what would be the purpose of a blog? Well, I imagine that it doesn't matter anyway. Who is going to understand the point of this or...really even talk about this?
I feel like I'm in such a weird mood. Last night I went to bed at midnight and slept for ten hours before going to work. It was amazing. I was in a good mood for most of the day. ...toward the end of it, I started coming down from my happiness and here I sit, like a snowball by a fireplace. ...I'm melting in the heat of of life. Fuck. I find solace in music.
I'm elated that I am making friends, and I am wondering what the future will bring to me. I hear whispers, dispel rumors and speak abruptly about things that don't make sense to other people. I wonder if things make sense to me sometimes, too. I long to write in Spanish. If I did, it would be directed toward a certain audience of a few people and that would not be good for me.
I wish I had the energy and connectivity with art to express my feelings through that medium. I would take out my aggression with that, and I would be able to imprison the strange beings that live in my subconscious and manifest themselves in the people with whom I interact. I feel a little like I am receding into myself again. I feel like I keep inching forward, but retracting once I realize what is happening.
People have been telling me a lot of things lately. Good things, bad things, and scandalous things. I'm not sure why people tell me what they do, but I will just let them talk. This talking has lead me to find a music soul mate, which makes me happy. ...I feel like I want to listen to uplifting music right now, but the music I find starts as such and ends up feeling somehow defeated. Maybe that's how I feel. I haven't been able to decipher...
Tomorrow is Friday, which is both exciting and discouraging.
I feel like people who constantly judge people are constantly seeing how they measure up. A quest to be better than everyone leads to a disillusioned existence. It would be better to just work on making things better for one's self. I feel like I keep trying to brush things off to make sure to not bother worrying. ...I can't help entertaining lingering thoughts that eat away the intelligent, rational parts of my brain. I will just try to re-focus on other things, or I'll go mad trying. Some people are just good gardeners and can plant seeds...of wrath.
My heart feels sad for heros. They live such lives that are so full of constant battles...Their journeys are so much mote difficult and lonely than others. When I think of Link...when I think of Ocarina of Time...it breaks my heart. Not everyone has the will to keep going despite any tragedy, despite all odds... despite paramount objectives and unclear outcomes. If they lose a battle, they can go onto the next with their wounds cauterized and visible. What possesses people to move madly into the path of another foe, whether somatic or fictional or internal. I feel like heroes never bleed...at least not publicly. I wish I were like a hero...but it would be such a constant, never-ending sojourn that would shed every innocent stratum a person could possibly have.
I'm not really sure whether or not there's a point to any of this writing. I'm not sure whether or not I feel more relaxed...but I do feel like I have cleverly distracted myself from dealing with things for a trice. This is why I couldn't ever be a hero. I'm too involved with myself...too involved with analyzing and with subjugating myself to objectivity with thoughts and actions. ...also I cannot wield a sword, or any noble weaponry at this point. ...but there's always hope for the future.
