My person has some semblance of how I was, I know I´ve changed. It´s as though sculptors have chiseled at my stubbornness and closed eyes with such contancy that I´m becoming broken down so that I can actually just blink.
We had a going away party last night...a last hurrah for Cincinnati. Really, the entire day was wonderful. I got to spend one on one time with a few people and I got to have drinks with good friends. Everyone who needed to be there was. My heart was happy and my spirit was high...and I was very drunk.
I got my tattoo finished. The monster is completed. ...and now that I think about it, I´m pretty sure I could bullshit some symbolism into it. ...maybe I´m kind of a monster, albeit a very adorable one. A dear friend observed that I like to give people chances. I would like ot take this opportunity to express to everyone that I have sought revenge exactly twice, and have received justice once (not justice for one of the incidents...as they were meticulously calculated based on the situation and the greatest possible satisfaction that could be had by them). They were three separate incidents. I will briefly describe my feelings involved with the incidents. And no, I will not divulge the stories of these, since they are not important. What is important is what the recipients of each of these actions feels. Though, I would like to clarify that I do not think that these people needed to be ¨taught a lesson¨ or other such nonsense. Also, I do not regret any of them. I do not think they were unfair, and I am no judge, but I have done what I have done.
The first incident of revenge was administered because of something that happened to a friend. I feel like it happened because my perception was that my friend wasn´t strong enough or smart enough to know what was happening to them. I did it because I was upset with what kept happening to my friend as a result of the lies and deceit happening to someone I cared for. I´m not quite sure why I keep defending myself. This revenge took quite a while to happen. I don´t remember at this point exactly how long this whole process took...over a year and perhaps up to two.
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| Alex Pardee “Scratches & Abrasions” |
The other revenge happened to befall a human as a reprocussion for both crossing and lying to me. An incident that made me feel insecure and like such a fool for letting someone trick me into trusting. I think that getting back at that person was more like a way for me to get back at the act of trusting and the act of deceit at the same time. This took a considerably shorter amount of time to figure out, but it took a while to exact. ...The timing with what happened when it did was fantastic. I felt relieved and I am glad that it happened how it did. I did not physically mar anyone, and I did not break anyone. I´m glad that I have found methods for these mentally deranged thoughts to manifest and transpire.
And justice, well. Justice was served, but that´s something that´s always tainted with pain for everyone involved. Justice takes blood spilled and puts it on the hands of everyone involved. I will walk through life with a stain on my person because of it. I do not wear a scarlet letter, and have not been physically maimed. Rather, I have been maimed and though I´m sure I have the ability to repair whatever is broken, I´m too busy avoiding and repressing. Healthy? No. Lackadaisical? Yes. Maybe whatever it is isn´t actually broken. I´m not a doctor. I have no idea.
